Friday, June 23, 2006

Face-Lift 81


Guess the Plot

Fractured Veil

1. We all plant walls around ourselves. These walls slowly unravel and lives are smashed to shreds when Sally suddenly finds that she can't stop mixing her metaphors.

2. When a runaway tractor-trailer plows into a wedding party, killing the bride, bridesmaid Julie finally has a chance at the groom, Peter, whom she's secretly been lusting after since high school.

3. Hidden for years behind her concrete veil, Aisha’s world is rocked when she slips and falls – and Abdulrahman is there to pick up the pieces.

4. A longtime nun begins to question her life's choices when she falls in love with a man on a visit to Rome, a man who proves to be the Pope in street clothes.

5. Dave is revolutionizing his families' business: the manufacture of religious garments. Hip Mormons loved his spandex temple garments, and his edible yarmulkes are selling like hotcakes. But things go horribly wrong when he attempts to make a ceramic burqa.

6. A disaster survivor relives cloudy memories, only to realize they aren't his memories, but those of a woman so obsessed with architecture she's fallen in love with her house.


Original Version

Mr. Evil Editor [or insert whomever],

May I submit the following manuscript with the intention of publication?

FRACTURED VEIL is a novel of speculative fiction in which the identity of a brain damaged narrator is explored through fragments of memory, possibly not his own. Told in a floating first person narrative, the memories are of four separate people, constantly replaying and overriding his consciousness. The struggle has greater implications as, after awakening at the site of an apparent disaster, the narrator finds himself the only survivor.

Please see for sample chapters: ______________
or the E-book: _______________ [In other words, if you want to see if my book is something you want to publish, buy the ebook version and read it.]
(editors are credited back obviously) [Huh?]

More traditionally, the 169k word (courier meth.) [Yes, but how many words is it in Times New Roman?] manuscript is available for your consideration, in digital or print form.

It can easily fall into the literary or speculative fiction realm. You may just find it works on several levels: spiritual, psychological, symbolic, literal, mythic, surreal or even perhaps strongly science fictional. [Wouldn't it use less space if you just listed the levels on which it doesn't work?]

Regards,


More Detailed Information Below [Just in case you haven't already decided to make an offer.]

The four identities each unfold through their own story lines within the novel, though they are experienced or interpreted through the narrator.

These main currents of the novel follow:

Jon Chivy Coyote, a disgraced former detective, teacher, and pseudo-celebrity of native/aboriginal descent, enlisted to use his tracking skills to find a bizarre serial killer hunting in a metropolitan park. The killer may be, in some way, the herald to the impending disaster.

Naiya McCloud, a gold-digging female scientist obsessed with architecture to such a degree she is gradually falling in love with her house. [Whatever else anyone says about this query, they have to admit that that is brilliant.] Her hypersensitivity and sexual episodes are indicative of the change in reality which is gradually taking hold.

Aurora Vitellius, one of three identical triplets born of royal ancestry, whom after the death of their parents, become the controlling force behind one of the biggest fortunes. Though still practically prepubescent, these legally emancipated girl-prodigies can now apply their sinister intentions without limit.

Guy Connel, a perpetually unlucky construction worker who survives a seeming industrial accident to a wholly new, bizarre, and transcendent life.

[These characters are hilarious. I say drop the brain-damaged guy, drop the plot (whatever it is) and build a comedy around these characters.] [I'll get you started. The sinister triplets hire the aboriginal pseudo-celebrity detective to investigate whether their uncle is trying to squeeze them out of the fortune. Meanwhile, the woman in love with her house finds that her lover has termites. She has the place treated, then hires the unlucky construction worker to replace damaged wood. The cops come to arrest the construction worker, thinking he's the serial killer, but before they get to him, he gets eaten by the coyote. And that's just the prologue.] [Take it and go with it. I guarantee it's a better book than this memory thing.] [If you don't get anywhere with this book, can I use those four characterizations in a "Guess the Plot?"]
Common themes throughout the novel are:

· The fluidity of perception, memory, self, and reality.
· Consciousness, physics, extinction, selection, and survival as forces both beyond, and sometimes within, human control.
· The main archetypes present in human nature, as expressed by the central characters, which are colored in mythic, spiritual, surreal, and often symbolic terms. [This is the same list of words you used to describe the levels the book works on. Except you forgot psychological and literal.] [You've taken three bullets to say as little as Evil Editor does below, with only one bullet:

The theme of the novel is:

· The fluidity of the main archetypes present in human nature (consciousness, perception, physics, extinction, selection, and survival), expressed in mythic, spiritual, surreal, and often symbolic terms by the central characters, and colored in memory, self, and reality--forces both beyond, and sometimes within, human control.


Notes

As always seems to happen when an author forgets to include anything about the plot, Evil Editor finds himself at a loss to provide a revised version.

20 comments:

michael gavaghen said...

"The killer may be, in some way, the herald to the impending disaster."

And the killer may be, in some other way, the nexus of time travel itself.

Tawny Taylor said...

I want to read the sex scene with the woman and her house. Trying to picture that one is giving me a headache...

Anonymous said...

I don't know, this book actually sounds good to me. It's only the query that's horrible. Here's what you need to do, author: use a traditional query format (who's in it, what's happening to him, why we should care) and lose the pretention. There are lots of great examples in the blog archives--post your second try in the comments and we'll look at it again, ok?

-A

Anonymous said...

OK, I can't get my eyes to uncross. Will get back to you in a moment.

Anonymous said...

OK I'm back, and regretting it. Everything except that woman in love with her house has got to go.

I think it was Joshua Bilmes of Jabberwocky Literary Agency who said (I paraphrase), "I, like most agents, will choose to ignore any adjectives you might use to describe your writing."

Oh, dear. So where do we go from here?

You might try listing your four MCs at the start of the letter, then the question, "What could these four people possibly have in common? They simply will not get their memories out of Joe Schmiegel's (sorry, I just could not read that again in search of a name that might not be there) damaged brain. When Joe wakes up at a site of a disaster of which he's the only apparent survivor, he embarks on a (quest, journey, whatever) to ascertain whether these memories are real, or if he's going mad. (Then you tell us a bit about what he discovers and how, and whether it gets resolved.)

Do not not not explore theme issues any more than to say something like, "Fractured Veil, my 160 000 word speculative fiction novel explores the nature of memory through one man's struggle to find out what's real."

And don't offer to let them buy the ebook (even if you're going to reimburse them). Send the whole shabang just like you would normally, and mention that it sold modestly well or whatever as an ebook.

Honestly, with all the resources out there, I don't understand what's going on when queries like this come up. Researching the subject is now as easy as visiting this one blog.

Do some research and come up with something in a standard format. Cause most of the time, stuff that sticks out like a sore thumb grab's an agent's attention, but not in the way you want.

Cheryl said...

This was so perfect to place after the wacky-plot post. (say that five times fast) I wish you'd put the link up to the sample chapters; I've got to know if this author actually pulled this off.

I think there's a whole book waiting for just Naiya; maybe even throw Brandon the shadow walker in there with her. Definite brilliance on her story, Author. I love my house, too, but I never would have thought to make anything sexual out of it. Architectural erotica, hmmm...

Tawny Taylor said...

I would NEVER tell an editor or agent to buy one of my books. I have shipped copies, emailed digital files if they aren't in print, but never asked them to buy.

A hint: if you want the agent/editor to read the book, give them a copy. Email it if it's an ebook (assuming they say it's okay). Mail a paperback or ARC. Make it easy for them.

Anonymous said...

Tawny, girls have been sliding down banisters for ages, right?

As far as the e-book link goes, it smacks of deperation. Much better to say, 'my website is here.'

Anonymous said...

Why did the writer end their query and then continue? Was that like a PS?
Dear Editor:
I have a book for you to read, please buy it.
Regards,
Some writer
PS: Here's what my book is about. Blah blah blah blah. Sex with a house. Blah blah blah.

Rei said...

The query is pretty dry; it feels like literary analysis rather than a hook. There may be something interesting in there, but I'd be extremely suspicious, given that the author acts as though (s)he doesn't even know what happens in the book. From what I understand, that's the case surprisingly often.

Phrases like "possibly not his own", "It can easily fall into the literary or speculative fiction realm", "you may find", "or even perhaps", "The killer may be, in some way," are red flags. They suggest A) that your writing is full of weak phrases, and B) that you don't know what your book is. Even if your book *does* leave the reader with a lot of uncertainty (which is fine for some types of works), at least sound like *you* know what you're writing about.

As to the "download or even *buy* my book" strategy... *yeouch*. I think this person needs to start at the beginning of Miss Snark's archives and read from there. Every time I just think of that... ow.

Author: It's a buyer's market, not a seller's. By default, you have a rejection. Your goal, with the query letter, is to convince them to deign to continue the process with you. Any good excuse they can get, they'll drop you like a top in a mixed-metaphor blender.

Why say "do extra work just for me" in your query? They'll just toss you. You speak volumes about how high maintenance you'll be with that.

Agents and editors have submission rules. *Follow Their Rules*. Don't make up your own. If the person you're querying says to send your query in a cardboard box holding a rubber chicken, you better do it if you want to be considered. Would you go into a store and tell them, "Instead of giving you my credit card like you asked, I've encoded its contents in this rebus. Please solve it to pay for my purchase."?

Don't tell them what font you're sending it in: if they specify a font, *Use That Font*; otherwise, use a standard serif font and don't mention it. Yes, this means custom print jobs -- do it! It's a font, for Pooka's sake!

Anonymous said...

Forget the psychobabble and write a novel based on the "main currents" you provided as EE suggested. -JTC

Anonymous said...

I know writing a query is a challenge, but for cripe's sakes, PUT THE STINKING PLOT IN YOUR QUERY!!

Tawny Taylor said...

Well, then that better be one loooooong bannister :D

Anonymous said...

I wish you'd put the link up to the sample chapters; I've got to know if this author actually pulled this off.

Google is your friend. "FRACTURED VEIL" NOVEL

Anonymous said...

zachary,

It was such a run-on sentence, I never even noticed that whom!

Cheryl said...

Google is your friend. "FRACTURED VEIL" NOVEL

Yes, I am incredibly dim...but the real "duh!" for me was realizing that I googled another title in the waiting list JUST TODAY.

Thanks!

*off to take another smart pill*
*thinks maybe that's not such a great idea*

none said...

Having read a few paragraphs of the prologue, I can safely say that the query does not do it justice. Ahem.

Anonymous said...

Author,

I understand.

You are attempting to describe a metaphysical concept or condition for which the English language has no words. Asians have characters that explain those concepts, but the western world hasn’t caught onto them, yet. It’s also difficult to describe something that by its very nature, is intangible. You have my greatest sympathy, because I made the same mistake.

I read an excerpt hoping to like it, and I’m sorry to say that I didn’t. Generally, I like things that are deep, as well as mystical. Maybe it’s the mood I’m in at the moment. I don’t want to hijack EE’s blog, so briefly, here are my impressions:

It’s very cerebral, and at 169K, it’s very long. If you get away with that, and I don’t, I’m going to be ticked. What makes it seem even longer, is that you write long sentences. That was another mistake I made, and by admitting it, maybe it will help you, or someone else. I still have some long ones, but a good crit partner taught me to mix them up. I didn’t make it through your prologue; I’d never make it through your book. I know you’re going to say: “but that’s my voice.”

Just to be fair, I opened the first chapter. I loved your first paragraph, and was willing to give it another shot, but you lost me in the third paragraph.

You need to find a good crit partner with the patience of a clichéd saint to help you cut this. There’s no need to say impressionistic when impressionist will do. Instead of writing “there was water flowing all around me,” learn to write, “water flowed around me.” I didn’t see it in your text, I didn’t read that far, but if I read one more book where the author says, “I could see, I could hear “ instead of “I saw, I heard,” without a good reason, I will stop reading. Why do I feel like I’m going to regret those words? Anyway, tighten your writing, and your book will become shorter - and more readble.

This is what it comes down to. You’re going to have to decide if it’s more important to tell the story, or to tell it with the voice you want to tell it in – the one you think is mystical and otherworldly, but the reader just thinks is slow.

Don’t worry about your query letter. Your manuscript isn’t ready. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Author,

Umbrella girl is right. Tight writing always reads better, and it doesn't have to sacrifice your voice. There's a difference between stylistic and overwritten. A couple of ruthlessly thorough critiques of my stuff taught me that difference.

I've managed to cut some--not all--of my chapters' word-counts by 10-20%, just by thorough pruning. If you do it right, it doesn't have to be painful, and it doesn't have to end up sounding like someone else wrote it.

You have to understand that readers--even the stupid ones--don't like to be thought of as stupid. If they get the impression you're writing down to them, or beating them over the head with over-explained concepts, they're going to feel like you don't respect them. Don't over-explain. Don't preach. I've cut paragraphs in their entirety--and not replaced them with anything at all--and it hasn't hurt my book one bit.

Learn to do this. Keep the original version in a safe file if you just can't bear to obliterate your words. Then cut, cut, cut. When you're famous and making a million dollars a book, you can do like Stephen King, reprint the full version and say "I told you so."

GC said...

Thanks for the comments people. I only just found this today ... I suppose I forgot that I sent my query to Evil Editor in the first place. I agree, the query letter was bad, but I have never been good at such things ... as to my writing ... no advice has impressed me too much as yet. kis and umbrella girl seem to think that every book must be brief, minimalist, and modern ... nope, sorry. My aim is not the shelf with Steven King on it, but thanks for your opinions ...